Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
