Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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