I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
