will power is for people who don't want to get laid
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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