i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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