I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
