Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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