I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
