My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
