Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
