So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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