I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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