the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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