Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
