My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
