I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
