I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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