My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
