so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
