I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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