Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
