I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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