Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I have already put on my inside pants.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
