He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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