Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
