she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
