I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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