Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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