I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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