the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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