God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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