I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
