My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
