Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
