when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can I color on your dick again?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
