i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
