I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
