i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
