i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
