Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
