i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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