Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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