I must be too annoying 4 u.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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