If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
