I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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