so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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