Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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