Having a random hookup so left but love u
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
