dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
