I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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