why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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