I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
