I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
two words: eviction party
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
