My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
