i just wanna soil my oats bro
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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